I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
