i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
