Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
