Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
