I accidentally burped into my bong.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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