I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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