did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
