If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
