Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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