Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
