i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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