Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
40s are totally the cure
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
