i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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