I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
