I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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