What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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