Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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