We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
do herpes really smell.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
