I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
How external is "for external use only"?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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