My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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