Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
