please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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