I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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