I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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