Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
