If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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