Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
