those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
