I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize