Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
