I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
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I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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