HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
