She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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