like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
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I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
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I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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