trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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