So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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