Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
did i walk over a car last night?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
