She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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