I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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