If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
