well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
