I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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