I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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