she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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