youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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