he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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