she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
