i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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