I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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