the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
