I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
