It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
