how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
