Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
