wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
