I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
