Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
