just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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