I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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