she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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