im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
