i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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