The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
